I know i haven't posted in a while. I am truly sorry ( to my 1-3 readers lol) but i don't want to force it and there really hasn't been much i have felt the need to write about. Well there is stuff but it involves taking pictures and looking up facts. So here's a Sifl and Oly video instead! Enjoy.
Yesterday was the date Skynet became self aware. April 19, 2011. I don't really have anything to go with that i just wanted everyone aware.
I've heard rumblings that an American version of Akira is being made with whoever the "it' guys of now are, who I'm sure I've never heard of. Let me tell you this. As someone who gave his only son the middle name "Tetsuo" if this happens I will become self aware and i will launch an attack against mankind.
That's funny stuff but the remake is going to star live actors. Check this out though.
I don't know the authenticity of this (with it being "Cracked" and all but i'm posting it anyway. So let me turn my blog over to Cracked;
The Actual Live-Action Akira Script: Worse Than You Think
By: Robert Brockway
April 07, 2011 214,992 views
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Every once in a while we'll kick off a movie parody by saying "so we got a hold of the script" and then we make up a bunch of stupid crap, because we're giant man-children. But this time it's for real: Some poor, confused soul saw my column last week, about the ill-advised Akira live-action remake, and they sent me the actual, real script for the film. Again, and in no uncertain terms: I did not write the following script excerpts. They are not parody or fiction.
I have every reason to believe this script is authentic, but I do not have confirmation from the studios. If it is real, this script is the thing that pulled the movie out of Development Hell, where it had been sitting for decades. This is the script that finally got Hollywood to stand up and take notice. This is the script that made studio executives bolt out of their chairs and say "yes, we have to do this!" And it's easy to see why: Nearly every aspect of the film has been altered to fit the most tired, hackneyed, bullshit Hollywood cliches in existence. As low as your opinion of this production might have been, the script proves one thing: Even if you have to dig the damn hole yourself, there is always a downhill.
Before we start, I'd just like to say two things:
One: This script is ostensibly the version just before the infamous whitewashing, where they changed Tetsuo's name to Travis.
Two: I can't believe somebody actually sent me a script. In the big book of "People Who Matter in the Entertainment Industry," how the hell did you land on my name? Did somebody scribble it next to "for a good time call"? Hahaha, how filled with regret are you, right about now? Like on a scale from 1 to 10? Is it a 10?
I hope it's a 10.
The Script
The first major change is the location shift, from Neo-Tokyo to New Manhattan. I discussed why the move only serves to harm the film in my column last week, but I made one mistake: I neglected the depth of Hollywood's commitment to ruination. The movie is no longer about a city that has descended into chaos, their people just trying to recover from disaster the best way they can, and is now entirely about plucky young rebels fighting an evil corporation, called the Foundation. Quick question: What's the most unimaginative, cliche way you can think of to portray a company as evil? That's right! Everybody gets ID chips. In the film, it's called the SubQ ID System. It's quickly revealed (through lengthy and inappropriate monologue, of course,) that the endgame of the Foundation is to create a consumer's paradise by blowing crap up, which will make people spend money...somehow. In short, think Erin Brokovich, but on a motorcycle, male, and constantly raping a classic piece of cinema. Oh, but they're in it for more than just the money. In the words of the villainous British Director himself (because what's the easiest, most formulaic way to show villainous intent? A suit and a British accent. Think Hans Gruber in Die Hard, or more perhaps more accurately, John Travolta from Battlefield Earth.)
BRITISH DIRECTOR
"There are 400 million Americans, a nation of consumers, desperate to find comfort from the disarray and terror of their world by spending money in ours ... Using your subject [Tetsuo] as a threat would clearly implicate us. And no one likes to be the bad guy ... but using his power simply presents another unsolved act of terrorism. Then we come in ... Heroes, breathing life into devastation once again."
Did you catch that? That subtle-as-a-shark-conducting-neurosurgery reference to 9/11? I speculated last week that making a movie all about 9/11 would be the cheapest way to steal meaning from another culture and make it relatable to ours. And sure enough, they're doing just that: Akira is now housed beneath the "memorial bunker" commemorating the initial destruction of the city. It's described as a blank expanse of concrete with two "massive blue spot lights beam[ing] into the heavens. Millions of names etched along the walls."
Sound familiar?
The only way they could be more overt would be to pencil in a new friend for Tetsuo named Ground Zero, whose only line of dialogue is "Never Forget!" screamed over a sound loop of eagles screeching. I'm only slightly exaggerating. In the intro to the movie, right as Akira is destroying the city for the first time, a grieving mother looks down at her children, Kaneda and Tetsuo, and one of the final lines out of her mouth, as the actual disaster is happening around them, is:
"MOTHER - Don't ever forget."
Oh, that's another point: Kaneda and Tetsuo are brothers now, and in their early thirties. That's not the only change, either. Kaneda is now a bitter, jaded blackmarket doctor, and Tetsuo is a shell-shocked, tortured junkie, alienated from the world. That's right: They've rewritten the male leads of Akira as a segmented Dr. House. The pair even share a House/Wilson dynamic, as Kaneda both enables and lectures Tetsuo about his drug dependence. I would be utterly astounded if the finale of the second movie isn't just the brothers bolting together Voltron-style to form a multi-story Hugh Laurie that destroys Akira's self esteem with a well-timed witticism. Apparently, Hollywood was concerned that we wouldn't recognize a concept as complicated as "childhood friends," so they've altered the relationship between the main characters, which allows them to absolutely fill the script with generically emoted, soap opera/90210-esque moments like this:
"KANEDA - This isn't you... Whatever is happening to you... You have the strength to stop it.
TETSUO - Do I? How would you know?
KANEDA - Because you've always had it. You just never knew...
Kaneda struggles with a confession --
KANEDA - Because I never let you. Let me help you now.
TETSUO - Help me now? I don't need your help. I haven't for a long time.
KANEDA - What are you talking about, Tetsuo? I've done everything for you. Like I promised.
TETSUO - Right. The promise. You're a criminal. A thug. A gang leader. You're everything except what I needed most... A brother!"
The power of love is a big recurring theme here, and really, thank God the makers of Akira had the courage to step up and finally address this hotbutton issue, otherwise we, as movie viewers, would only have every single other film Hollywood has ever produced to study this phenomena. So they've changed the angry, confused biker kids into stubble-streaked human care bears, and it's a good thing, too, because they're going to need all the sweet, sticky love-power they can muster if they're going to beat the evil Akira. Yes, in the remake, they've changed Akira -- from a victim, a mysterious force, and a childlike god figure -- into a screen villain cliche: The generic scary child with psychic powers.
Hollywood Producer: "I love the Akira character! But let's make him more psychotic, combine it with Dragonball Z, and have you guys seen The Ring?"
The new Akira is the embodiment of every creepy kid archetype that's ever been, like Drew Barrymore in Firestarter, Damien from The Omen, or Samara from The Ring. He comes complete with all the old Hollywood tropes: He sings "unsettling" nursery rhymes, he carries around a disused stuffed animal, and casually murders people with his mind powers. Notice I put "unsettling" in quotes up there; that's because this script marks the moment when Hollywood officially ran out of genuinely creepy nursery rhymes to accompany their child villain stereotypes:
"PLATOON LEADER - It's alright, Akira. Nobody's going to hurt you, son. Just come with us. And it'll all be fine.
The Little Boy looks up, HIS HAIR STANDING ON END, EMITTING A GENTLE PULSE OF STATIC ELECTRICITY as he begins to hum a slow, haunting version of "Frere Jacques." It chills to the bone."
That's not a joke. I did not make that up. And it's not just an isolated moment of laughable Horror ineptitude either, that's Akira's official theme. Every single time he makes an appearance, even if it's just in PTSD Tetsuo's nightmares, the script calls for 'Frere Jacques' to be played.
Clearly, the boys are going to need help defeating such a terrifying - and let's pause this sentence while the snickering dies down - supernatural enemy. Help like Kay, the female lead, who in the original film was a strong young woman that slowly developed the very start of a relationship with Kaneda. By the end of the animated Akira, the two got to a point where they acknowledged that they might care about each other, but never had a chance to act on it -- because it was the fucking apocalypse, and his best friend's arm just exploded into a giant tendon-dong while she was being possessed by three tiny geriatric children; they had other shit on their mind. But not in the remake: There's plenty of time for playful banter and lots of close-ups as Ky randomly strips naked and dons sexy outfits.
"Ky and Kaneda reach the bottom of the stairs. Flip open their cases and begin peeling off their business attire, revealing street clothes beneath. Ky turns away. Her bare back exposed. She feels Kaneda's eyes on her. Peers over her shoulder.
KY - Pay attention, Kaneda. You're gonna shoot yourself in the foot.
She slips on something tight and sleek as he assembles his rifle.
KANEDA - Might be worth it."
Hollywood Producer: "I love the Kay character! But slut her up, throw some Jovovich in there, and do I even need to say it? Full leather bodysuit."
So they've effectively isolated everything us dumb ol' Americans can understand, and morphed every ambiguous moral decision, philosophical discussion, and inherently Japanese sentiment into the holy trinity of Fightin', Fuckin', and patriotic Fervor.
And oh God, the ending. I can't give too much away, but let's just say this: The original Akira ended a little strangely - in a violent, scarring burst of disturbing transformations. It was about overstepping our bounds as a species, about what happens when you play God, about anger, confusion, and adolescence - both the main character's adolescence and our collective adolescence as a species. Whereas the remake ends with somebody regretting all of their actions, turning good at the last minute, getting saved by the power of love, and probably combining forces with their loved ones to fight the great evil in the second movie. And it is truly a great and lasting evil; one that will rock you to your very core. Why, the closing scene alone will stay with you long leave after those credits roll:
"And there, strolling in between it all... Akira, teddy bear gripped in his hand... Slowly, hauntingly humming the opening notes of "Frere Jacques."
SMASH TO BLACK.
I don't think there's a clap slow enough to properly pay tribute to that chilling final note.
Read more: The Actual Live-Action Akira Script: Worse Than You Think | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-actual-live-action-akira-script-worse-than-you-think/#ixzz1K5ZL67pR
I am infuriated. What next? Micheal Bay remakes Taxi Driver? The cast of Twilight re-does The Exorcist? Fuck. Fuck Hollywood.
This movie sucked for lots of reasons but I'll give you the two that really pissed me off.
First this film takes place in one of those magical towns where every neighbor is a "quirky" neighbor and as such they are able to handle any situation that comes there way. Weird anti-social guy shows up at Church with a Life size sex doll? Well lets have the doll read to sick kids (i swear to God the film did that) and when the doll gets "sick" let's have all the neighbors bring flowers and food. The town actually buries the fucking doll as well as cart it around in a ambulance! No mention of who would pay for such extravagances.
Second the film pussies out. You see when the main dude shows up with the doll he explains to his brother the doll is very religious so can the doll sleep in a guest bedroom? This is akin to making a movie about necrophilia with absolutely no corpse fucking! A TOTAL COP OUT. The only slightly interesting part of the film was the main characters coming to terms with his total detachment from people. But then you don't buy his disillusionment because he knows the doll isn't real. I run a Tumblr blog here and with this blog i try to explore the darker sides of our society. As such i explore themes that aren't the prettiest including owners of these kind of sex dolls and let me tell you two things, 100% of the owners of these dolls DO NOT think they are real and FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. Oh, but not the guy in this film. In fact he actually has a quirky,cute nerdy chick practically begging him to go out. Well of course he does. In real life he would have at best been put in a psychiatric home and at worst been put in jail for exposing children and the public in general to his sex doll. This film was infuriating.
Last night i had a dream there was a flood in America. I had just shone up to volunteer to help and was directed to a mall to help gather food and distribute to people. I was teamed up with Flava Flav for this task. He kept making me and some of the other volunteers laugh and try to have fun by joking around and, well, just being Flav. In the mall me and Flav saw some kids looting a store. Flav got all serious and started talking to the kids, saying " why you stealing t.v.'s yo? There's a tragedy here and ya'll stealing, doing exactly what the white media wants you to do." "Stop perpetuating the stereo types. Ya'll wanna be real gangsta? Real Men? Help some people. Show the media they is wrong" etc. Then he handed the kids a stack of money and said "change". Then he turned to me and said something like "back to work" or whatever and started joking around again.
Reflecting on this dream this morning got me thinking about a few things.
I first heard Public Enemy around 1987-88. I was at a record store and hip hop was still new. I was into the Beastie Boys and Run DMC but had never heard P.E. The clerk told me about the album Yo, Bum Rush The Show and i picked it up.
Hearing Public Enemy that first time was like hearing Slayer for the first time, or Mozart, or Black Sabbath. It's powerful. It's scary how powerful it is. The world of music was being dominated by Huey Lewis, Bon Jovi, Whitney Houston, Jefferson Starship, Bruce Hornsbey(!) and this is what my 17 year old ears are hearing..
Twenty Four years later and i still would hold them in my top 10 favorite bands of all time.
The second thing my dream had me thinking is how funny it is that certain Hip Hop performers that in the 1980's scared the shit out of White America are now part of pop culture (Flav) Hollywood ( Hey Ice Cube remember that track you did with Public Enemy Burn, Hollywood, Burn?) or Yuppie ass makeup ( Queen Latifa). Flav i can forgive, but Cube? Damn man.
Irish White-Trash Reservoir Pups. I was really surprised to see "Directed By Ben Afflek" at the end. Not that i have a particular problem with him, he's always funny on Saturday Night Live and he was great in Chasing Ami, and this heist film would never be mistaken for a Scorsese film but it was better than it should have been. I really enjoyed it.
So to tie up the loose ends in the story below i did hear back from the seller. He apologized profusely and said to keep the 1st edition Space Hulk AND he would send out the Space Marine game A.S.A.P! Now what? I thanked him and said it really wasn't a problem and we started writing back and forth talking about gaming with our kids (he and his son play Pokemon). Yesterday Space Marine showed up and besides the game box being in slightly beat up shape the game is mint. As in Un-played. As in Un-punched still on the sprues!
So this game from 1989 has made it all the way to my doorstep in 2011 un-punched and un-played. This greatly increases the worth of the game and now a game i bought for $15 could have a resell value of $80 to $110 AND i got a 1st edition Space Hulk that could fetch close to $100.
An hour after opening the box last night and processing all this the guilt became unbearable. I wrote the seller last night and, while not entirely divulging the worth of the games, told him to at least let me pay for the shipping of the first game he let me keep and to consider a price i would be happy to pay for the first game after he did some research.
He wrote me this morning and said "the extra game is fair compensation for your patience and good nature. enjoy!" and declined any offer for paying shipping or otherwise.
So that's that. I should be jumping for joy. Why do i feel like i just received a "tell-tale heart" board game instead?
