Reviews, NetflixHell, If Your Gonna Steal.....

If you have read any of my ramblings you've probably noticed i am not a very good writer. Some people start blogging to show of their writing prowess, others are just blessed with the skills to put prose to keyboard. My lack of any kind of writing skill has prevented me from doing reviews. Hell, half the time I'm trying my hardest not to write one long run on sentence. But my friend Frank has changed my mind. He writes the wonderful NetflixHell. A minimalist movie review blog.
Now I'm not inferring he can't write, in fact i think he's a very good writer. What has influenced me is his style of writing. Example- here is his review of The Kids Are Alright.
The Kids Are All Right (2010)
Long term lesbian couple Julianne Moore and Annette Bening's teenage kids track down their biological father, sperm donor Mark Ruffalo. Soon he's infiltrating their perfect Hollywood lesbo lives, much to the chagrin of the dominant partner (Bening). The characters seem like "types", and they all come off one-dimensional despite a talented cast. I didn't laugh when I was supposed to, I didn't cry when I was supposed to, and I didn't learn anything about anyone here. This movie is all right, but only just. This has to be the most overrated film of the year.

Or The Human Centipede.
The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009)
Neat idea and a great lesson on how effective the power of suggestion can be. Sure, it's got an evil German doctor, bimbo actresses who can't act, and plenty of gore. But what really makes this slightly better than your average horror film is the welcome addition of camp humor, a mainstay of 70s horror. That, and the thought of facial disfigurement, anal tearing, and shit eating.

You see, Frank has shown me i don't need to write a review like Siskel or Ebert. I don't have to list plots or summaries. My reviews will be my impressions. Simple, blunt, and befitting my horrendous writing style. To that wit i saw Crazy Heart yesterday, here dear readers is my first review...

Crazy Heart (2009)

Jeff Bridges plays an old alcoholic "never made it" country music star. It's always a pleasure to watch Bridges and this is no exception. My wife found it strange how an actor who used to be "good looking" has really got the bloated look down for his later year parts. Maggie Gyllenhaal is in this, and much like in Dark Knight i find her face distracting. It makes weird faces, like its made of putty. I also noticed she has no ass. Bridges has to sing in this and its not entirely terrible. Colin Farrel does as well with opposite results. Robert Duvall shows up being Robert Duvall but that's not a bad thing. My wife told me Bridges won an Oscar for this role. Every time i see him it makes me realize how much i love Fisher King and Big Lebowski respectively.

Worth Watching.

From A Galaxy Far, Far, Away...

Check out these Foreign Star Wars Posters.

Random Rants on Pajamas, Racists, and Graffiti

Hey Ladies and Girls, If you wear pajama pants out in public it is neither cute or sexy. Its lazy and stupid.This is especially true if your above the age of 12. You will grow to be an unloved crazy cat lady because you have given up caring and therefore no one will care about you.

To all the racists, Homophobes, sexists etc. of the world. When you show your bigotry, either through subtle jokes or outright cross burning hatred, you tell the world one of two things. You are either scared to death of the thing your prejudice against or you have scared yourself with how much you love/want to be the thing your against. Hate women? You have no idea how to talk or respect a woman. thus you are a scared little boy next to a women. Scared of certain minorities? You soo wish you were Black, Asian, Mexican etc. Make fun of Gays? You would give anything to dance with shirtless muscular men to pumping Techno music. Sometimes (oftentimes) these prejudices go together. Example; you hate blacks and gays? You secretly want to be bent over by a "scary" black man.

Over the weekend i watched Exit Through The Gift Shop. It is one of the best films i have ever seen. Even if your not a fan of Graffiti this is a great documentary. The film also reminded me of just how selfless Graffiti is. Probably the most pure art form in the world. What is funny is what a dichotomy it can be since its all about the self (the artist and his tag or style) and once the piece is up it belongs to everyone. There is no monetary gain. There are no adoring fans applauding at the end. There is a short lifespan on the piece.(sometimes pieces disappear overnight)

A few years ago REVOLUTION TATTOO had an art show featuring top Graffiti artists from around the country. As the owners are friends of mine i was asked to participate. In honor of Graffiti's selflessness (and my lack of any sort of Graffiti skills) I decided, with the help of my friend Kevin, to build 2 freight cars out of wood and let everyone tag the shit out of it.

We cut Strips of wood to add "depth" and even had a door (our dream was a working door with a hobo inside but time and money prevented that)

Cutting and adding the "wheels" out of wood spools we found in alleys.

So the night of the show Kevin and my self bought a bunch of Krylon spray cans, Fat and thin tip markers and hung pictures of the Hip Hop Godfathers (Run DMC, Krs-1, EMPD, Public Enemy,LL Cool J, etc.) above the finished Freight cars that now resided in the gallery's garage. During the show people came out to the gallery's garage and tagged our freight cars.

My "TAG" -K-CHAN- LOL.

My beautiful pregnant wife, Kristina, throwing a piece up.

At the end of the show I raffled off the cars. To make any money off of Graffiti would have missed the point.

Ikea Directions For Stonehenge

Published in the QI H Annual. Written by Justin Pollard with input from John Lloyd and Stevyn Colgan.

Adventure Time!!

I loathe "stoner" shows. In the 1990s Ren and Stimpy was all the rage with my age group. I never got it. It was an o.k. show to look at but the writing and stories were crap. Strictly gross out humor without heart or fun. As the bar was starting to be set lower and lower the shows sunk the same. Space Ghost begot Aqua Teen begot Squidbillies begot AssyMcgee begot Tim and Eric, which is in my opinion THE WORST SHOW ON TELEVISION EVER.

Hidden within this field of cow shit a few diamonds can be found. the Venture Brothers being one. Meanwhile "kids" shows continue to be subversive comedies that are utterly enjoyable for adults as well as kids, Spongebob, Fanboy and CumChum, and Phineas and Ferb among them. But i have found a kids show that has wrapped its beautiful skinny arms around me and captured my heart forever. I speak of Adventure Time. Its a show centered around a boy and his Dog friend who can stretch his body.

Do yourself a favor this weekend and check it out (they are On Demand). These shows remind me of the adventures i used to make up in my mind as a young boy. With all the Glee and fun of a 8 year old's mind.

Music Videos Of Relevance

The Roots Featuring Erykah Badu - You Got Me (edited version)

R.I.P. Tura Satana

I just found out Tura Satana passed away over the weekend. If your unfamiliar with Ms. Satana you are seriously missing out my friend. Look around the internet, you'll find her.

Tura used to sign Glossies through her website, so a few years ago i purchased a glossy for a Christmas present to my wife. Tura emailed me to get some info (correct name spelling etc.) and as i was writing her back i remember my head getting dizzy as i realized i was  corresponding WITH TURA FUCKING SATANA.

 Some guys like to golf. Other guys dig working on cars. Most boys like baseball and nice girls who think worms are icky and puppies are cute. Not me. What do i like? I like Hockey. I like AC/DC. I like leather. And i like girls who race cars and can kick your ass if they wanted to.

Here's the Glossy she signed for my wife Kristina.

A few years ago there was an art show in Chicago with all the pieces based on Tura. Here's some of my favorite pieces.

Oh one more thing...Tura dated Elvis Presley but turned down his marriage proposal,though she did keep the ring.